Here I am20. March 2017
A few years ago I met this amazing guy and fell in love with him. It didn’t mutually spark immediately, but after a year we finally got together. He is the first person in my life to whom I opened up myself. I was/am proud to be his boyfriend and feeling his strong arm when cuddling in bed after a rough day is the best feeling one could only imagine.
It is a blessing for me to have him, yet, we are different.
He is an athletic guy, most certainly draws the attention of people on the street, smart and is finishing his studies. I’m a few years younger than my boyfriend, wear glasses and button-down shirts and people would consider calling me a nerd. We both try to help and encourage each other to become greater human beings and to dream big.
Over the course of the past few years our relationship has been monogamous. It has been one of the “agreements” from the very beginning. It was not a problem for me to stay that way and for most of the time my boyfriend kept his side of this promise as well. At the same time he has this urge to have sex with other men as well. Right now we are at this point in our relationship when it is up to us to see if we are strong enough to open up, but not to loose each other in an open relationship.
Being totally honest — I don’t know if I am the type of guy who can stay easy about a proposal such as this one, because for me having sex with my boyfriend is one of the most open, honest, and vulnerable moments. I completely forget all my problems for a few minutes and feel as if the two of us are the only two human beings existing. The way he looks into my eyes — deep, so deep as if he’d be able to look into my soul.
I am worried that this could get lost in the course of an open relationship, because sex would become some sort of tool to fulfill urges.
Where is the border between sex with my boyfriend and sex with other men?
For some I might look like an old-fashioned guy who is closed-up and does not see certain opportunities in creating this sort of freedom within the relationship.
This journal are going to be my digital therapy-sessions in which I’m going to share my thoughts and stories from my life with the boy whom I love and do not want to loose. Let’s see how strong our relationship will be.